Miss Universe 2008 -- Lessons Learned

First of all, let me make it clear – I am not bitter. If this were 2005 or 2006, I would have had every right to be. But this is 2008, and let’s face it – Jennifer Barrientos isn’t the prettiest representative the Philippines has sent to the Miss Universe pageant in recent memory. That title (in the post-Miriam Quiambao era) would be a toss-up between Nina Ricci Alagao and Zora Andam, and since even they failed to make any impact during their reign as Bb. Pilipinas-Universe, there was no reason to get hyped over the current delegate. If Barrientos was to have any chance at winning a title, it would have to be “Miss Pouty-Lip Universe”, and even then Miss Kosovo would kick her ass.

That said, Miss Universe 2008 was still a pretty educational experience. They say TV is fast replacing literature as the optimal educational tool, and this year’s edition of what is supposedly the “most prestigious beauty pageant in the universe” (duh, it’s not as if other galaxies have their own pageants) proved that. Want to have a shot at becoming the most beautiful woman in the universe? Then read up – the following are valuable lessons you should not miss.

LESSON NUMBER ONE: The best way of getting a spot in the Top Fifteen is by hosting the pageant – We’ve seen it over the years, and Donald Trump made sure he got his point this year as well. By giving Vietnam a semifinal slot, the Donald effectively made a big “thank you” wave to the Vietnamese organizers. I have nothing against Miss Vietnam, but come on, man, no one’s convinced. The ridiculously low score she got in the swimsuit competition was enough of a sign – she was made to look pitifully out of place in the company of such giantesses. Seriously, that spot could have been given to some other delegate who had more of a chance.

Now let me take this chance to send a shout out to some dumbo in the Philippine Government (and trust me, there are quite a lot):

Dear Jinggoy Estrada,

Instead of wasting your time bragging about the world’s umpteenth-richest Arab wanting to invest in Cebu, why don’t you spearhead a bid to host the 2009 Miss Universe Pageant? I say there’s no better way to serve your country’s interests than by showcasing its beauty to the “one-billion-ish people” who watch the pageant’s live broadcast (and stuffing its problems temporarily under the figurative carpet) while ensuring that an undeserving candidate from the host country gets that solitary semifinal spot on sale. Remember, elections are in 2010, and if you want any shot at reelection (or a higher office), this is the way to go.

(Bitterly) Sincerely,
ME!

LESSON NUMBER TWO: Miss Universe is an exercise in tolerance and diversity – South Africa, despite having long been freed from the curse that is apartheid, has been a little sparing with sending black representatives. So imagine how happy I was when I saw Miss South Africa 2008. Tansey Coetzee was black, beautiful, and a blockbuster! Armed with a megawatt-smile and a complexion to die for, she was the only African in the top fifteen. It was real unfortunate that she was sent packing after only one round, but my disappointment was tempered with the entry of another delegate to the top ten – Miss Spain! Now who said male-to-female transsexuals can’t make an impact at Miss Universe? LGBT community, rejoice!

Oh wait, she’s a real woman? But what about those broad shoulders… and that chiseled face? More importantly, that tranny stare she throws every single time she looks into the camera. Oh well, at least she looked gay. Don’t cut the celebrations! (Seriously though, look at her. She looked more like a man than Jerry Springer ever has.)

LESSON NUMBER THREE: Falling flat on your ass is part of the training for Miss USA – For two years running, a Miss USA has fallen flat on her ass. They might have figured that if Miriam Quiambao (Miss Philippines 1999) could make it as far as first-runner up after falling on stage, why couldn’t they? Crystle Stewart may have handled it a little more gracefully than last year’s “stumbler” (we will not name her for personal reasons, the most important of which is I still shudder/cringe at the memory), but she forgot an important point – Quiambao fell during the preliminaries, which allowed her enough time to get back up (literally and figuratively) and even use the fall to her advantage. The two most recent Misses USA fell during the coronation night, where judges are less forgiving, as is the crowd. Remember, timing is everything.

LESSON NUMBER FOUR: Being a first-timer at Miss Universe gets extra points – Botswana in 1999 (winner), China in 2001 (2nd runner-up), and now, Kosovo. If you want to at least make it to the top ten, make sure that you are representing a country that is joining for the first time. It it’s too hard to gain citizenship to Iraq, East Timor or the Vatican City (what an interesting swimsuit competition that’ll make!), befriend some separatist rebel leaders from your native country, and do everything in your power to help them achieve political separation and eventual independence. That way, you’ll have a new country to represent, and a top ten spot for the taking. Come on, Basque country, we’re cheering for you!

LESSON NUMBER FIVE: Never EVER answer the final question correctly – As our winners this year proved oh-so-clearly, the best way of winning the Miss Universe crown is by evading the final question altogether. Of course, it helps to know the Vietnamese word for “Hello!” to buy yourself some time before going on with giving an irrelevant answer. Good thing the timer (whoever he was) was so unforgiving with the thirty second limit. Timer I luuuurve you! :P

Case in point: Miss Venezuela. When asked, "who do you think has it easier in life, men or women?", she said, "God made us to share and have differences. Men think that the faster way to go to a point is to go straight. Women know that the faster way to go to a point is to go to the curves." Now thank you for that wonderful anecdote, Ms. Mendoza, but what about your answer?

Clearly, however, the judges didn’t mind, as she ended up winning. Meanwhile, Misses Russia and Mexico, who were the closest to making any sense with their answers, ended up at the bottom two among the finalists. So there’s the secret, girls – selective deafness. Should you find yourself in the same position as our five lovely finalists, pretend that you didn’t hear the question, play out an entirely different question in your mind, and answer THAT. I’m willing to bet my soul you’ll win.

In the end, Miss Universe didn’t disappoint. It evoked the unpredictability of the previous years, and was just as educational. More importantly, it has served its ultimate purpose – international unity. The world is united in saying one thing, and one thing only:

“SOMEBODY BUY THE MISS UNIVERSE FRANCHISE OFF TRUMP!!!”